QUESTION:

Hello,
I am a strong believer in saving sex for marriage. I'm considering dating a girl that isn't a virgin and I'm having strong second thoughts about this simply because she isn't a virgin. I've done lots of thinking about this and it does seem to be selfish reasons... I can't seem to look past this and don't know if this really is something I can compromise on... Someone once told me that this is really an issue of forgiveness and I'm not sure if they're right or not. Any tips or advice would be much appreciated!

ANSWER:

Sounds like you have given this alot of thought. Not knowing your age, I'm not sure what "dating" means in your life right now. But, if you are old enough to be looking for a life partner, you need to consider that every one of us has "baggage." That's part of life. Every person enters into a new relationship with all the memories (and sometimes physical consequences) of previous experiences. If you're looking for perfection - you're just not going to find it. (At least, I've yet to meet a "perfect" person.)

If you do decide to ask her out, my advice would be to be up front with her on the first date and discuss your struggle. How does she feel about it? In time, you may find that there are enough "positives" to outweigh this particular "negative" and it will be something that you can forgive and forget.
However, if at any time you find that you can't get past this particular "piece" from her past, it would be unfair and cruel to date her. You could never be totally intimate with her and you could never have a healthy relationship with an emotional "wedge" in between you.

I applaud your high standards and have no doubt that the right person (whether it is her or another) will come along when the time is right ... And she will be soooo grateful that you valued her enough to wait - for her.

I wish you all the best!

QUESTION:

Is there a way to tell if you have HIV without getting tested? (like symptoms you might recognize)?

ANSWER:

No. The only way to know is to get a test. Either go to your regular Doctor or a health clinic (many are free). There are also home test kits you can get online or at most drug stores. If you think you might be HIV positive, please practice sexual abstinence. HIV can be passed to anyone you have sexual contact with - even if you use a condom.

QUESTION:

Is it a good thing if you test your boyfriend and stop having sex and he stays with you?

ANSWER:

That's a dangerous game. Yes, its good to stop and if he stays it may mean he really does like YOU and not just the sex. Be careful though. If he's waiting and you're just trying to prove something - you could fall back into bed together. Then what did you really learn?

QUESTION:

Does having sex make you more appealing?

ANSWER:

To whom? To people looking for cheap sex - most certainly. To people looking for someone with self respect and self control - probably not.

QUESTION:

If you have sex once, then stop, are you considered a secondary virgin?

ANSWER:

Yes! You can always start over and learn from your experience. You'll be proud of yourself for your resolve! (And you'll also be pretty "normal" cause most teens that have sex decide it wasn't all it was cracked up to be and decide to wait.)

QUESTION:

What's the big deal as long as you don't go all the way?

ANSWER:

Sexual activity is any genital contact for the purpose of arousal. And any sexual activity puts you at risk of transmitting STDs. Plus you are sharing something so private with someone that may or may not really care about you. (How will you know?) Also, remember that every experience you have will affect every experience in your future - even that with the person that loves you enough to want to share their life with you.

QUESTION:

Are there certain times that you can get pregnant easier?

ANSWER:

Yes. There are certain days each month when a woman is more likely to conceive but with teens it's a little different. Your system is still growing and hormones are fluctuating so any time could be "the" time.

QUESTION:

Does it affect the relationship if one person has had sex and the other person hasn't and they get married?

ANSWER:

It could. But, the important thing is how they relate before marrying. You shouldn't be marrying someone that you don't feel comfortable talking about this with. The most important thing that builds intimacy and holds couples together is the ability to communicate with each other. If two people truly love one another they can work through it.

QUESTION:

Someone said that if you had a cold sore on you lips (a form of Herpes) you could give your boyfriend Herpes if you did oral sex?

ANSWER:

Yes. But there are different strains of the Herpes Simplex Virus(HSV). Oral herpes is typically HSV 1 while genital is HSV 2.

QUESTION:

What is the chance of getting pregnant using fertility drugs?

ANSWER:

Varies with the drugs and the person. I have a friend who has been using them for months and is getting very frustrated at not being able to conceive. It's so sad when you see a wonderful couple who would make great parents but can't get pregnant while other people are calling the creation of a new life a "mistake."

QUESTION:

Do you think it is bad for teens to engage in sexual activity, but not have sex before marriage?

ANSWER:

Yes. Once a couple has been sexual they now are in a sexual relationship and it will be forever changed. Frequently, their time together changes from going out and doing fun stuff with friends to sneaking around and fooling around. Their conversations change from getting to know each other as a person to "how far should we go" "what if we get caught" "what if she's pregnant" "does he really love me"..... If you're asking "How far is too far?" You're already heading in the wrong direction. Back up. Cuz if you play with fire. You will eventually get burned.

QUESTION:

What are some of the diseases that could be passed on to children besides HIV?

ANSWER:

There are a number of sexually transmitted diseases that can be passed on that could injure or even kill your baby. If you or the father of your child has been sexual with anyone other than each other, you should tell your doctor immediately and get a full STD screening.

QUESTION:

Why is sex always the case in a relationship?

ANSWER:

It's not. It just depends on what kind of people you are settling for. There are actually a lot of decent guys and girls out there who'd rather be with someone who doesn't treat their body like a cheap toy. Many, many people think sex should be sacred.

QUESTION:

Why do guys take advantage of you?

ANSWER:

Unfortunately, it often has to do with how we raise our boys. For example, jocks often grow up with parents, teachers, and/or coaches who cheer them on and tell them how proud they are every time they score. As they get older, they then may think they need to "score" with girls to be worthy. They may fear who they are if they are not achieving something and impressing people. But many guys have parents who teach them to respect girls as they would want their future wife to be respected. Of course, this idea is often not considered "cool" when you're a teen so some guys may hide their true thoughts or feelings and act like they're "doing it" even when they're not.

QUESTION:

I have been sexually active before and I want my mom and dad to know. I'm scared though. What will be the best way to tell them?

ANSWER:

Parents respect honesty and unless they are psycho, they will love you no matter what you do. I would suggest you confide in the one you feel the closest to in a one on one quiet moment. Perhaps out on the porch at night or in the car so you're not face to face. That way that person can be a support for you when you tell the other. You need to have them take you to a family physician for STD testing. It will be a huge relief when it's all over!

QUESTION:

Does a male feel pain when he gets aroused if you stop while he is still erect?

ANSWER:

Not pain necessarily, more like discomfort. Sort of like if you wrap a rubber band around your fingertip. If you're smart, once you feel the discomfort, you'll remove the stimulus (in this case the rubber band, or with sex get away from whatever it is that is causing you to be aroused.) But of course, the smartest thing would be to avoid the situation in the first place. Don't be alone with someone whom you find sexually arousing. Date in groups and stick to crowded places.

QUESTION:

How long does sperm stay in a woman's system for her to become pregnant?

ANSWER:

Sperm are on a mission and are very devoted to the cause. They are fast and there are millions and millions of them in an ejaculation. The timing just depends on where the egg is waiting when they start their journey. (By the way, you do know that's why they exist don't you?)

QUESTION:

If you go to the GYN and have a pap smear and what ever else they do, do they check for other diseases?

ANSWER:

Only if you ask them to. You must specifically request a full STD screening. The tests are expensive so they don't do them if you don't ask. A pap smear just checks for abnormal cells on the cervix and early signs of cancer.

QUESTION:

Is there such a thing as a re-born virgin?

ANSWER:

Yes. That is when someone decides that they want sex to be more than just a recreational activity or one person using another. They want a special intimacy with the one person they have committed to that loves them enough to share a lifetime with them. You can't physically become a virgin again, but in time, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, sex will become sacred again. Remember, sexually intimacy involves much more than just the body. Sex includes the mind and soul too!

QUESTION:

Why is porn bad? It's safe sex isn't it?

ANSWER:

There are research studies which suggest that what you do actually programs your brain to be "turned on" by certain things. When your spouse is the stimulus, he or she will be what turns you on! When you train your brain to inanimate objects or fantasy images, it can be more difficult to be intimate with a real person.

Research shows that people who saved their sexual experiences for marriage report being the most sexually satisfied.